Uganda Trip 2014: Lessons to be Learned

Tonight, the Kansas folks from our team got to share with our FBC Mulvane church family about our trip. It was a good night to see a chunk of our team together again and get to share our stories and victories and even some epic fails memorable experiences. It was a good night just when I needed one.  To stand before the people who have supported this ministry and who prayed over our team and supported us financially and encourage us to go and serve was a great moment. To be able to share a piece of this experience with those who support my endeavors and me is always such a blessing and a great reminder of how incredible my support system really is.

I will do another post later, detailing the crazy hectic schedule that we keep while in Uganda, but today I’ll focus on what sticks out to me…what God is teaching me and the lessons he started pushing on me there.

I’ve not been in a good place. Honestly, I’m still not. I wish I could have gone to Africa and come back magically better on that “mission trip high”, but I didn’t. I’m still depressed, my life is still way less than perfect, and to be blunt, things are still a total mess. And newsflash, even with all that you're about to read - I'm still super selfish. 

But what I’ve been learning is that God is showing me Him in all of it. Even when I’m sobbing on the floor because everything feels broken and I feel useless, He’s showing me who He is and how that makes me who I am and that there are lots of lessons to be learned there.

Lesson 1: I need to stop saying that I’m not good enough to be used.

I have low self-esteem. This is a duh statement if you know me. I am constantly beating myself up over not being good enough to do anything that I’m doing. I let it hold me back from things a LOT and regret a lot of things that it’s caused me to do, say, or not do or say. But then something clicked one day in UG…because I realized that people were learning things in spite of my deficiencies.

You see, my beautiful friend Melissa asked me to write some devotions for the trip. And I did. And I worried and worried about how stupid they were and how no one was going to get anything out of them and how dumb I was going to look when people realized that I was the one that did them. I prayed and prayed over those words and asked God to make them good, but begged Him to use someone else – to use someone who was a good teacher and could actually put together something decent. I honestly thought I would send them to Melissa and Kim to proofread and that they would kindly “forget” and that would be the last time they saw the light of day.

They didn’t do that and the booklets ended up in the hands of our team members and I worried still. But guess what?! Even with my stupidity and my lack of anything profound to say, God still moved. Cause He does that, remember? It was amazing to me how many of the girls came to me and would tell me what God was speaking to them through these words that He gave me to put on paper. Each of them come from a different place in life, yet God was showing them something beautiful in its own way….He was personalizing each lesson for each person and here I was worried about looking dumb.

He continued to show me in other ways on the trip how it didn't matter whether I was "skilled" enough or "smart enough" or "talented" enough or "good" enough because He uses my weaknesses just as much as He uses my strengths.   

Lesson 2: I need to stop putting limits on how He can use me.

We had a great team of nurses and a wonderful woman that’s a doula on our team. They worked so well together and were able to minister to the women there in such a specific, tangible way. Sometimes, it was easy to feel like I wasn’t very useful because I couldn’t answer questions and I wasn’t up there talking and I wasn’t in the bus giving pre-natal checkups.

We got the great opportunity to take our team to a women’s prison and work with a great prison ministry in the Jinja area. Melissa had told me about this ministry and the woman that directs it and I was thrilled for our team to get to do this and that Mercy for Mamas gets to be a small part of this ministry and it’s place in touching these women’s lives. However, as excited as I was to go visit this place, so were a lot of other people. And when there are a lot of people who want to go there and not enough signed up for another place, some people have to go to the other place. I was one of those people and as excited as I was for my friends to get to go experience this and be blessed by that ministry, and as excited as I was to go see the progress of a place I got to visit on the 2012 trip and love on some kiddos, I won’t lie about how I was disappointed that I didn’t get to go with the prison group to minister to those women and have that experience.

We got to have a lot of time to do outreach with women in different areas and villages. While the nurses and people in charge of sharing and teaching did their thing with the women under the meeting tree, I was often with the youth girls and maybe a couple of others playing with kids or prepping meal stuff or fetching kits, etc. I will tell you right now that keeping 20 kids entertained for 3 hours is NOT my forte. Let’s be honest, keeping 2 kids entertained for 20 minutes is not my forte. I have little patience and am not creative and am not energetic (bonus that the hot sun and exposure makes my health issues flare up) and am not even always the best at remembering the words to kids songs – ha!

Even just being at the front of the bus sometimes gets to me. I throw up a lot folks. A lot of that is due to motion, so sitting at the front of the bus is a must. But guess who else is at the front of the bus. The driver. Who is Ugandan. Who speaks very little English. And I am alone, with my thoughts. And if you know me very well, this can be a very scary thing. And everyone else is further back in the bus, not feeling like they are going to upchuck and having fun bonding with each other.

So I was feeling a little frustrated at points on the trip. Not like angry frustrated, but confused frustrated. My heart is for women and ministering to them in the midst of whatever journey they are on. God has spoken that to me very clearly and I have seen Him use that calling in fabulous ways that are completely unexpected and quiet, but so, so good. I couldn’t figure out how this was happening. I serve with this ministry, I come on these trips – I do all that I do for this calling to serve women and show them Christ’s love for them right where they are. So why am I not being useful? Why am I over here playing with kids when that is definitely not my skill set? Why am I at the orphanage while the others are where I wanted to be? Why are the other girls sharing their stories and having fun while I'm staring out the front window and missing good bonding time? Why am I in the position that I'm in if I really don't have any skills that come in that handy? 

Then finally it clicked.

Because it’s a huge blessing to me when the people of my church love on my kids during service so that I can listen and fellowship and worship and the women from the village are getting that blessing by me singing silly songs and playing in the heat until I collapse on the bus.

Because it’s a huge blessing to me when I get to see the look on a woman’s face when I’ve touched her heart with something I’ve said that resonates with her and my teammates deserve those blessings too. They need them to know just how wonderfully God has prepared them for this trip and the ministry that each of them does all the time in their homes, jobs, churches, and communities.

Because it’s a huge blessing to the women who run the orphanage to sit with someone who wants to hear their story too and who wants to use encouragement and humor to brighten their day and push them on in their ministry while they see others on the team love on the children that they pour so much of themselves into.

Because our team needs to bond. Period. And because I got plenty of bonding time during activities and down time and other folks got good time on the bus and all of that is good and purposeful and it didn't matter that mine was different than someone else's because I still forged relationships that are great and strong. 

I’ve been very guilty of saying things like “God will use you wherever you are” and apparently not really believing it with all of my heart. I always felt like I did, but didn’t – I saw that clearly at the beginning of the trip.

My heart for ministry is geared towards women and their stories. I always thought I had to be directly ministering to them in order to be following that calling. On this trip, I really let God convince me that’s not the case at all. I let Him show me just how much He can use me to minister to women even when it’s not what I think it should look like.

He continues to show me back home what He’s about and that, no matter what I’m battling, no matter what the mess is, He’s good and true and steady. And that He’ll use it all – all of it – every messy, insufficient, broken piece – all of it – for His plans and His good.

And that I don’t have to be good enough, because He is. 

Don't Waste the In Between

As the 2 of you who actually read these posts know, this year has already not gone the way that we planned. On January 9th, I found myself without a job.  While the past couple of weeks have been full of resume writing and job hunting, they've also been full of reflection and thinking. God's already teaching me a lot of lessons - on faith, grace, forgiveness, and trust. Most of all, He's teaching me how to use my time no matter what. He's pressing me...forcing me to realize...that I shouldn't waste this time. That this "in between" can be used to accomplish great things, if I make sure I put in the effort to make the time count.

2014 - The Year of Learning Love...

There's this trend that's been going on for a few years now, where people assign a word to the year. This word will encompass what they strive for in the new year and what they hope God will show them and grow in them over the next 12 months. I've avoided the trend simply because I tend to try and do that, but I couldn't get away from it this year...because of what God has been pushing and nudging me - sometimes not so gently- towards learning. So here it is...my "word" for 2014:

2013 - A Schafers Year In Review

It's more than half way through January, so why not FINALLY get around to summing up the previous year? Everyone else does Christmas cards, but why be so prompt?  Let's give a retrospective once we're a bit removed, why don't we?

Okay, okay - now that I'm done reasoning with you on why I'm so late with this, here it is! 2013 was an eventful year for our family, full of twists and turns, stresses and disappointments, celebrations, and lessons worth the learning!  Here's a much too brief recap of what our year looked like.

On hidden hurts...

I'm sure most of you have heard the saying "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." I think we all know it...I just don't think we remember it very well. At the very least, I don't think we know how to handle it well.

We all have them - the big things that rewrite your story: the things that change the course of your life forever; the things that tax you - financially, physically, & emotionally; the things that break you, that leave you hanging by a thread.

To Stir Up...

A few weeks ago, I posted about emotions and being honest with them and not trying to hide them. I promised more posts on that topic, yet here I am, weeks later...still struggling with how to be honest and open.  There are so many thoughts swimming in my head about this, so many emotional struggles that I'm wrestling with at the moment, so many things that I'm still learning, that I've been fighting with what words to say.  So bear with me while we figure this out together...

I talked briefly in that last post about realizing that my emotions are not a curse, not a hindrance, but instead are a gift; something that makes me more like my Creator, not something that pushes me further from Him. That, I think, has been the biggest lesson I've learned on this journey of emotional honesty.

Disappointments, Compromises, & Lessons Learned in 2012 - part 1

I learned more about myself in 2012 than I think I have during any other of my almost 28 years (and maybe all of them combined). I learned my strengths and weaknesses much better than I ever have before. I got to know myself in a way that I never have.  And to understand who I am and how God made me to function in this world a little better is a terribly hard, but incredibly beautiful lesson.

I know some of the lessons that I learned are probably obvious to some and seem ridiculous.  But I'm praying that, in sharing what I've learned, I might be able to help someone who is in the midst of figuring these things out too. I am confident that I'm not alone in this search and feel a deep need to be open and honest about my own journey...so this is the first in what will probably be a few posts on what I learned in 2012.

Part (or most) of what I learned was based on my reactions to my surroundings, through current events or things from the past that were still affecting me.  I had to figure out how I would react when my circumstances weren't what I wanted them to be or didn't live up to my dreams.  How would I react when a dear family member is horribly sick? When daily things in marriage and motherhood are really hard? When people I love and care for don't seem to care for me enough in return? When I can't figure out what is physically wrong with me? When I fail God and myself and others again and again?

A lot of my learning came in the midst of disappointments - in myself and in others.  After hearing, time and time again from various people whom I love and respect, to lower my expectations in order to avoid what I considered to be disappointing moments, I started to question myself. Was I crazy for feeling the way that I did?  Was I being too pushy or expecting too much of myself, my family, friends, etc? How was it that I was constantly disappointed or let down? Should I really lower my expections? What was I hoping that would accomplish?

I spent most of 2012 wrestling with those questions - trying to find a delicate balance between what I was told to expect and what I really expected in my heart...trying to deal with the hurts that came from being disappointed and from trying to pull back from others in order to avoid more pain.

I tried all kinds of things. I pulled back completely from certain relationships. I just pulled back a little from others. I tried to expect less; to make exceptions for personality differences and scheduling conflicts and priority shifts and past experiences. I tried...I really did.  But I became even more of a mess and could tell that I was making things worse. But why? I couldn't figure out how it was making it so much worse...

But I see it now - that I compromised who I am and my own emotions in order to try and save myself and others. I am an emotional person (more on lessons learned there in another post). I always have been. But I've always thought that was a bad thing...a weakness.

In 2012, I finally let God show me that He made me that way...that He created that in me and wants to see me use it for His good, not to torture myself.

Yes, I will continue to be disappointed in people around me, just like people will continue to be disappointed in me. We are all big lumps of disappointment after all...that's why we have such a deep need for our Savior.

But lowering my expectations won't accomplish anything in making me or anyone around me bring glory to our Father. I will be hurt and unfulfilled if I continue to lower my expectations and ignore how God made me to feel and act. Those around me that leave me feeling disappointed will continue to skate by, giving less than what I know they are made to give and will never reach their full potential if no one is pushing them to grow and stretch themselves.

Our relationships will never be fruitful if we are unable to admit when we are hurt or express what our needs really are.

We all feel differently, we are all made in different ways. I know that full well. And I know, because of that, we'll never be on the same page and this will result in heartbreak, frustration, and plenty of tears. But I also know that's where grace shows up...where God can use our differences, mend those broken hearts, and show His hand in who we are...

Because the biggest lesson I learned is that it's not about going through life adjusting expectations so that you're not disappointed; it's about how you deal with the disappointments when they happen, which we all know they inevitably will. You can choose to retreat, to get angry, to reciprocate, etc. Or you can live by grace, and ask God to guide you through those minefields to the other side and to use your own experiences and hurts for His good.

My prayer for this year is that I will learn how to better love those around me. That I will embrace how I feel and learn how to graciously express that. That I would not "control" my emotions, but that I will own them and embrace how they fit into the woman that God made me to be for His name.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

~Ps 23:3