Pieces of me = Prayer for them

I hope and pray that someday my kids think the same about me when they hear my voice coming out of their mouths...but we'll see ;)

It's amazed me over the past few months how much I've seen of myself in my kids. Little things that are starting to make themselves more obvious in their every day behavior that freak me out a bit when I notice them:

Mason's apparently inherited my more sensitive side. He is such a sweetheart and is concerned for everyone around him and is thoughtful of his friends and his family and worries about them. He wears his heart on his sleeve constantly in the sweetest ways. This makes me so proud and terrifies me all at once.

I am happy to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It is what makes me who I am. It is what drives me to say how I feel and make sure that the people around me know how much I love them by acting out that love. It is also what gets me hurt the most....which leads me to pray this prayer for Mason every day:

"Lord, please, please protect his little heart and guard this quality in him. Help him to know how to deal with the pain that will come with it and not lose this compassionate soul that You've gifted him with. Help those around him to appreciate how honest and caring he will grow to be and not take that for granted."

Madison, on the other hand, while still being quite the love bug herself, has mostly seemed to inherit my not so endearing (at least not on the surface) qualities.  That girl can roll her eyes like nobody's business. She's sassy to the Nth degree. And my favorite of all...she sings and talks to herself constantly...

I love that my girl sticks up for herself. I hope she keeps that and has a backbone as she gets older, but that she learns discretion in that (which took me a long time to learn). I love that she has a great sense of humor already and knows how to play a room - she's got good social skills because of it. And I LOVE that she loves music and loves to sing whether anyone is listening or not...but this admittedly can complicate things throughout adulthood, which leads me to pray this prayer for her:

"Lord, please help her learn when sass isn't ok and learn to hide the eye rolling. Help her to continue to love to sing throughout the day, but help her learn to keep the volume down so she doesn't annoy others.  Help her to learn timely sarcasm and delivery in her blossoming sense of humor and to do so nicely. Help her to keep her backbone and confidence long enough to say no to stupid boys and save us all some heartache.  Keep her happy being herself and teach her to enjoy all the fun that comes along with that."

They might not end up liking being like their mommy...but I love seeing little pieces of me in these beautiful babies and thank God for the opportunity to see them use these things better than I have!

School Time

Mason's REALLY enjoying his first couple of weeks in public school!  He loves his teacher Mrs. Kincaid, who is a fabulous friend of ours from church and is soaking in making new friends, etc. Here are a few gems from his first couple of weeks of school to show you how cute my kid is and how much of a newbie we are to this school business!

*The first Friday of school, I picked the kids up and as soon as we headed home in the car, Mason sheepishly said from the back seat "Mom, there's a book in my backpack and I don't know if I was supposed to bring it home." 

Imagine the terror of that moment...mortified that my kid stole a book from school on his 1st week, but proud of him for telling me when he felt guilty.

I asked if his teacher put the book there. No. Did the teacher tell him to put it there? No. Did he put it there? No.  How did it get there? I don't know...

We obviously weren't gettting any concrete answers, so I switched gears.  We talked about how you should always ask questions when you're not sure if something is right or wrong, how you should always ask permission before putting something in your backpack, etc.  We covered all the bases and I assured him that we would return the book when he went back to school on Monday and that he could apologize to his teacher then if he wasn't supposed to bring it home.

We got home and I immediately opened his bag to assess the situation.  Sure enough, just like Mason said, there it was - Clifford's Book of Manners from the school library.  I opened his folder to sign off on his day and found a note from his teacher that every Friday was Library Day and that the kids would be checking out books to take home for the week.  I quickly told Mason he was off the hook but that he should still ask questions when he's unsure of something, but was SO relieved that we hadn't stolen that book!

*Mason is SO excited to get to ride the bus every day.  He rides from his school over to the grade school, which is where our daycare provider picks up all of the kids in the afternoon.  He is such a big, responsible kid and loves getting ride with the big kids!

*The kids are supposed to wear their school shirts every Monday.  Mason's been in school 2 Mondays and I have yet to remember to put him in that shirt.  Don't worry - I set a reminder on my phone to recur every Monday from now on...here's hoping technology works more efficiently than my brain.

*I've been asking Mason about his new friends at school.  He can't tell me a lot, but I've got a few names and one real story.  One day at recess, his friend "B" got sand in his eye. It hurt and the teacher had to wash out "B"s eye to get the sand out. Mason seemed concerned, so I assured him that "B" would be fine and these things just happen sometimes. 

Now, every day when I ask him how school was, he leads with, "B didn't get sand his eye today mom" and then proceeds to tell me about the rest of the day.  Such a good little friend ;)

Scraps...

God's honest truth: I started this blog because I can't scrapbook.

I've always loved putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, that's for certain. It seems like it comes out better when I write it instead of speaking it, as I tend to get pretty tongue tied. For as long as I can remember, I filled journal after journal with my ponderings and frustrations and excitements. So when I thought about putting together cute books of stories about my kids and their childhood and capturing the precious, the not so precious, and utterly hilarious moments of our every day life, I had one main thought: "I wish I could do that." I tried - and quickly failed - and threw those scrapbooks away. I firmly admitted to myself that I wasn't one of those crafty moms, and started writing instead. I am not a writer, nor am I a blogger...but I needed somewhere to document our family and our crazy life, so this is where I ended up.

It has been touch and go. Sometimes I forget, or just get too busy. But when I do make the time, I feel better. Knowing that I've put some of the funnies and some of the hard moments our family experiences out in the universe and will be able to show them to my kids someday is amazing.

Then I started throwing in some other posts...using the "family" blog for my own thoughts and ramblings. I realized I was "scrapbooking" a bit of myself along with the kids.  It's been incredibly therapeutic and helpful in making myself be honest about where I'm at and how I feel and what I'm struggling with.

But it's scary putting it out in bloggy world, that's for sure. You never know what someone reading your thoughts might think about you or how you might be judged. You never know who you might irritate or bore.

And at this point, it seems to have morphed into something that I didn't ever plan or expect.  I thought the only people that really read my posts were my mom and mother-in-law and my sister.  I only have a few people officially "following" the blog, even as I write this. But I have had an insane amount of traffic in the recent past and I can't even count how many emails, comments, and messages I've received from people that I don't know or that I barely know who are reading these posts and connecting with something.

It's really weird.

It's weird because I think, way too often, that I'm alone...that I'm the only one that feels a certain way...that, honestly, I'm a bit crazy.

Yet I get emails and messages from people saying that I hit home with them about something that I was feeling...that I was honest about something they had been wrestling with...that I made THEM realize that they aren't alone in what they're experiencing. I have people linking to my blog from their website because they think something I wrote from the bottom of my heart resonates with them.

Seriously...REALLY weird.

Understand me here - I'm not saying that this little family blog has become some sort of next best thing, b/c it's not, and I don't write this as a "look at what I did" thing (as stated above - I just think it's weird).

But, sticking with our "lessons learned" theme...it definitely has made me open my heart to a few things:

1) I am not alone. 

No matter how alone I've felt in my feelings and thoughts over the past few years, I realize, only now, that there are other women that are struggling with the same things as me. I never knew I had so many sisters who fought to put these feelings into words and were fighting the same fights as I was. 

Thank you to all of you who have shared with me your own experiences in response to mine...without your messages, hugs, and encouragement, I might still feel very alone.  Because you were brave, I know I've got people fighting right along with me.

2) God will use my experiences to reach people in ways that I wouldn't ever pick and He'll do it behind my back ;)

My prayer as I continue to grasp how He wants to use me, is that I won't doubt the pull that I feel to say things, to share my heart, to take action...that I won't question how people will react or how I might be looked down on, but that I will focus on how He might use it without my understanding.

3) People are too quiet about their own journeys and the wisdom that they've gained from them, and it's hindering our growth and causing us to miss important conversations, opportunities, and relationships.

If we don't allow ourselves to be open and honest, we might be holding someone else back from healing and growing...we might be robbing ourselves of great friendships...we might be stealing huge ministry opportunities from our churches, and most importantly, we might be holding ourselves back from submitting fully to the incredible story that God has written for us.

Bottom line is this...I'm definitely not a writer or a blogger...but I will continue to document my family and my own heart here.  If He chooses to continue to use that as an avenue to reach others, that's incredible. If not, we've got our family "scrapbook" and my kids will know their mom's heart through and through, and that's incredible too...

Disappointments, Compromises, & Lessons Learned in 2012 - part 1

I learned more about myself in 2012 than I think I have during any other of my almost 28 years (and maybe all of them combined). I learned my strengths and weaknesses much better than I ever have before. I got to know myself in a way that I never have.  And to understand who I am and how God made me to function in this world a little better is a terribly hard, but incredibly beautiful lesson.

I know some of the lessons that I learned are probably obvious to some and seem ridiculous.  But I'm praying that, in sharing what I've learned, I might be able to help someone who is in the midst of figuring these things out too. I am confident that I'm not alone in this search and feel a deep need to be open and honest about my own journey...so this is the first in what will probably be a few posts on what I learned in 2012.

Part (or most) of what I learned was based on my reactions to my surroundings, through current events or things from the past that were still affecting me.  I had to figure out how I would react when my circumstances weren't what I wanted them to be or didn't live up to my dreams.  How would I react when a dear family member is horribly sick? When daily things in marriage and motherhood are really hard? When people I love and care for don't seem to care for me enough in return? When I can't figure out what is physically wrong with me? When I fail God and myself and others again and again?

A lot of my learning came in the midst of disappointments - in myself and in others.  After hearing, time and time again from various people whom I love and respect, to lower my expectations in order to avoid what I considered to be disappointing moments, I started to question myself. Was I crazy for feeling the way that I did?  Was I being too pushy or expecting too much of myself, my family, friends, etc? How was it that I was constantly disappointed or let down? Should I really lower my expections? What was I hoping that would accomplish?

I spent most of 2012 wrestling with those questions - trying to find a delicate balance between what I was told to expect and what I really expected in my heart...trying to deal with the hurts that came from being disappointed and from trying to pull back from others in order to avoid more pain.

I tried all kinds of things. I pulled back completely from certain relationships. I just pulled back a little from others. I tried to expect less; to make exceptions for personality differences and scheduling conflicts and priority shifts and past experiences. I tried...I really did.  But I became even more of a mess and could tell that I was making things worse. But why? I couldn't figure out how it was making it so much worse...

But I see it now - that I compromised who I am and my own emotions in order to try and save myself and others. I am an emotional person (more on lessons learned there in another post). I always have been. But I've always thought that was a bad thing...a weakness.

In 2012, I finally let God show me that He made me that way...that He created that in me and wants to see me use it for His good, not to torture myself.

Yes, I will continue to be disappointed in people around me, just like people will continue to be disappointed in me. We are all big lumps of disappointment after all...that's why we have such a deep need for our Savior.

But lowering my expectations won't accomplish anything in making me or anyone around me bring glory to our Father. I will be hurt and unfulfilled if I continue to lower my expectations and ignore how God made me to feel and act. Those around me that leave me feeling disappointed will continue to skate by, giving less than what I know they are made to give and will never reach their full potential if no one is pushing them to grow and stretch themselves.

Our relationships will never be fruitful if we are unable to admit when we are hurt or express what our needs really are.

We all feel differently, we are all made in different ways. I know that full well. And I know, because of that, we'll never be on the same page and this will result in heartbreak, frustration, and plenty of tears. But I also know that's where grace shows up...where God can use our differences, mend those broken hearts, and show His hand in who we are...

Because the biggest lesson I learned is that it's not about going through life adjusting expectations so that you're not disappointed; it's about how you deal with the disappointments when they happen, which we all know they inevitably will. You can choose to retreat, to get angry, to reciprocate, etc. Or you can live by grace, and ask God to guide you through those minefields to the other side and to use your own experiences and hurts for His good.

My prayer for this year is that I will learn how to better love those around me. That I will embrace how I feel and learn how to graciously express that. That I would not "control" my emotions, but that I will own them and embrace how they fit into the woman that God made me to be for His name.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

~Ps 23:3

Madison's 3rd Birthday!

Madison turned 3 last month and I am still trying to figure out how that already happened! Check out my sweet sassy girl in her new "princess tutu" and sassy boots!

Can you believe that this lady joined our world 3 years ago?  I can't...

 The week before her birthday, I found her "reading" this book in bed. My initial shout to Randal was "we have a usurper!" Ha!

Little girl has developed quite a liking for all things princess themed, so for her party, the theme was given!  We had princess crowns for everyone to decorate, along with coloring pages and other fun stuff for everyone to play with!  m had a ball and, of course, loved all of the attention!

For Madison's Acts of Kindness for her birthday, I had all kinds of plans...then I was a horrible human being who let herself get overwhelmed by life and then get sick, so some of those plans got thrown out of the window! One thing that I did manage to plan was for Madison to ring the Salvation Army bell with my big brother, Marc.

They were so cute!  Madison made me hold her most of the time, but did venture out on her own for a little while.  She loved handing out the candy canes that Marc brought for the kids and and we even sang "Jingle Bells" for people for a little while to make Madison feel more at home...she'll do anything while we're singing!

 

I was proud of Madison for actually ringing the bell on her own for a bit and being a trooper even when you could tell she was a little out of her comfort zone.  And I can't even really begin to say how wonderful it was to see Marc in action as a bell-ringer.  He's done this for a couple of years and it was fun to see him do it in person.  The way the people of El Dorado responded to him and chatted with him, it was easy to see that he's loved there - made his little sister awfully proud!

For Madison's other 2 acts, that's where mommy's illness & ill-preparedness comes into play :) We took Madison out on the evening of her birthday to complete these other two tasks and did things that were quick so that we could keep her attention and really help her understand what was happening.  Mason was with us, so he even got to participate. 

He helped sister pick out a couple of toys and we donated them to Toys for Tots.

After we picked out toys at the store, we went and bought some hot chocolate and took it to a bell ringer since it was pretty chilly outside!  She was actually pretty into this and even showed off how well she had learned to ring the bell with Uncle Marc!

I'm so proud of my baby girl and how instinctly caring she is.  She is sassy through and through, but she is one of the most loving people I've ever known and I'm so very proud to be her mommy! 

Happy Birthday Madison Leigh! Love you baby girl!