She's HOW OLD?!?!??!?!?!

It seems like only yesterday that we were welcoming a 4th member to our little family. I can still feel the all day "morning" sickness and can remember how crazy her entrance to the world was. I cannot believe that it's been 4 whole years since this sweet face entered this crazy family:

'Tis the Season {to be Honest & Messy}

It's the holidays. That brings a multitude of emotions to the table, depending on your circumstances. But one thing, I have found, is pretty consistent: Our ability to put on a smile simply because it is the holidays, regardless of the storm that's brewing underneath.

We pretend we have it all together. We pretend our circumstances are better than they really are because we all want that great time of celebration just like we see in the movies and on TV.

If you know me, you know I'm not a fan of this...especially as of late. I'm pretty much over pretending and want to encourage others to create a culture of honesty and transparency. A culture where the perfect Christmas means a bunch of broken people coming together and being filled with joy because of what their brokenness means, instead of pretending to be filled with joy in spite of it.

What a better time of year to celebrate how messed up we all are? The whole point of the Christmas celebration is that a Savior had to come save our messed up lives, so why not embrace that?

The Life of a Bus Person

Let me lead off with the warning that this is not Beth writing this... it is Randal, and I write from a different perspective and side of my heart and head.  In knowing that please know that I do not write on here very often, so if my entry is not your cup of Earl Grey, then I apologize and my wife will return to the regular blogging.  With that said enjoy.........

On hidden hurts...

I'm sure most of you have heard the saying "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." I think we all know it...I just don't think we remember it very well. At the very least, I don't think we know how to handle it well.

We all have them - the big things that rewrite your story: the things that change the course of your life forever; the things that tax you - financially, physically, & emotionally; the things that break you, that leave you hanging by a thread.

The funny side of life...

Our life is far from perfect, but it is also usually pretty hilarious. This is one of those times that I kind of wish we had cameras following us around...

So my brother got married last weekend (collective YAY)! Randal had the honor of being a groomsman, so we went hunting for a new suit a couple of weekends before the big day. What happened next is hilarious and, frankly, too good not to share.

Mason is 5! The Kindness Edition...

As is our new tradition, we set out recently to do some acts of kindness for Mason's birthday!

I had things all mapped out in my head prior to his birthday, but as mentioned in my prior post, Mason changed all that with his much-bigger-than-mine heart! So after a couple of weeks of gathering supplies and reworking plans, we had our big day! Here are the details on how my boy blessed others this time (my apologies for the lack of awesome pictures)!

Mason is 5! The Celebration Edition...

Mason loves Angry Birds. He plays it any chance he's got.

Mason loves Star Wars (he literally came into my room after waking up this morning walking like C-3PO - cutest.boy.ever).

Herego, Mason loves Angry Birds Star Wars. So for his 5th birthday, we threw him the party he wanted!

For the record, I can't believe that my baby boy is 5 already. It's bizarre and completely crazy. I can still feel the morning sickness from my pregnancy with him like it was yesterday ;)

Playing Catch Up....Again...

I am horrid about blogging things as they happen. Now that Fall is upon us, here's my attempt at catching you up on our happenings this Spring and Summer! We had beautiful weather these last few months. Not too hot, and a good amount of rain. It was a lovely Kansas summer. We got to spend lots of time doing things like this:

Journey to Joyful...

Confession: I have not been joyful.

Sure, I'm usually pretty peppy. But joyful - the deep down kind of joyful that swells inside of you from a place you didn't know you had - I lost that somewhere along the way.

My joy became shallow. It was affected by my circumstances. I let my daily life infect my joy when it should have been the other way around.

I knew it had to change. So I started hunting.

The Student Becomes the Teacher...or Why I'm the Proudest Mommy Ever

Today, my heart is full...overflowing even. My son has made this mama so proud. More than normal toddler stuff, which always makes me proud and happy...he has blown me away.

Last year, on Mason's birthday, we started these "intentional acts of kindness" - doing one for each of our years on our birthday.  I saw another woman do it and, while I love doing these kinds of things throughout the year, the thought of spending your birthday focusing on others instead of yourself seemed like a brilliant way to reinforce the fact that we are here to serve a bigger purpose.

Mason had a blast with it, and has continued to remind me throughout this past year of that day and suggest doing more things. It's opened the door to some giving opportunities that I don't think we would have taken advantage of before. It's opened his eyes to the needs of others and caused him to intentionally look for chances to help and serve others. He's shown me in little ways over the past year how it's stuck with him and has been processing...but a few weeks ago, he astounded me at how much it had really made an impact in his sweet little heart.

I had come up with a list of ideas for his birthday acts this year. I was listing off my ideas one night after picking them up from daycare and was going to let him choose his 5 things. I had searched and searched, thought and thought, worked so hard to come up with a good list of 8 things that would work well for this day so that he could pick out the ones that he connected with. I picked out things we could fit into one afternoon or evening. Things that he would enjoy doing so that he would want to do more acts of service going forward. Things that fit my idea of how the day needed to look.

Then Mason called me out on all of it.

Why "counseling" isn't a four letter word...

I see a counselor.

Go ahead, judge me. I'll wait...

An Evolving Understanding of Friendship...

My best friend growing up was someone who I was in school with from 1st grade on. She was my other half. She was a part of my family and I felt comfortable just walking into her house unannounced. We went through friends, boyfriends, breakups, bad grades, and personal trouble together as a team. We traded more friendship necklaces and bracelets than I can count.

Then we went to college.  And we didn't talk nearly as often as we should have. We've stayed remotely connected and I even got to help her celebrate marrying her best friend last year, but I hate the fact that I didn't do more to stay connected to her after leaving our hometown. She has been a treasure in my life...still is, really. When we do find ourselves getting together for lunch, or texting, or even just posting on Facebook, we pick up right where we left off and I love that. She will always be my forever friend. She will always hold that sacred place in my heart.

My adult friends have meant something different, but are the same kind of special. A lot of people have come and gone. I've lost touch with them, they've moved away, or we've had our differences that have caused us to fall away from each other. But then there's the ones who are still there, part of my every day life, teaching me, pushing me, and holding me up when I need it.

Turns out, 10 years is a long time...

I have my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. Let's just stop there for a second and dwell on how weird that is while admiring my senior picture head tilt...

 

To Stir Up...

A few weeks ago, I posted about emotions and being honest with them and not trying to hide them. I promised more posts on that topic, yet here I am, weeks later...still struggling with how to be honest and open.  There are so many thoughts swimming in my head about this, so many emotional struggles that I'm wrestling with at the moment, so many things that I'm still learning, that I've been fighting with what words to say.  So bear with me while we figure this out together...

I talked briefly in that last post about realizing that my emotions are not a curse, not a hindrance, but instead are a gift; something that makes me more like my Creator, not something that pushes me further from Him. That, I think, has been the biggest lesson I've learned on this journey of emotional honesty.

Schafers House Party

We like to have dance parties at our house - a lot - you know, because we're cool like that. I can't think of a day with M&m where we haven't broken into song and busted a move at least once. My life has turned into a musical, just like I always wanted it to...

Tonight was no different - Mason wanted to have a party after dinner, so I turned on our old standby - a Killers concert that we recorded on Palladia a few years ago. We recorded it for Randal and I, but a very young Mason responded to it and busted out some sweet dance moves for his new favorite band, so we've continued to hold onto it and the kids both still enjoy it.

Go ahead, say what you're thinking - "I wish someone would throw a Killers dance party for me!"

When You Least Expect It...

Life is hard. We all know this. We all have our tough times, our hidden hurts. Sometimes, we can look at our pain and at someone else's and say "I could have it much worse" and we find comfort in that.

A lot of times, though, our pain is so great that we don't find solace in those comparisons. Our pain is very real and very close - it consumes us so easily. When our lives don't go the way we wanted them to - when someone hurts us - when we hurt ourselves...it's all too real to ignore, too present to push down.

Our pain is our own and no one else's. And it needs to be felt...needs to be processed...

And it needs to be used.

It MUST have a purpose.

And God has surprised me consistently with how He has used mine for His good.

Marked by our Maker

This is my beautiful girl at her best - relaxed and happy and comfortable. She makes me so very happy and overwhelms me with loveliness.

 

She is beautiful, inside and out. She is a constant reminder to me of God's goodness.

Baseball!

Mason has always liked baseball, but since he watched The Sandlot a couple of weeks ago for the first time, it's been all that he wants to do. He's been constantly asking Randal to play catch with him and has been trying to figure out how to throw better, so we've been working on that.

I took this video to just catch a good father-son moment, but it turned into something much more entertaining about half way through.

Things to learn from this video:

Mason has a delayed reaction to injury.
Randal is fully willing to leave his children for the animals.
Getting a bruise is REALLY exciting.
You MUST have a hat to really play baseball.
Madison is very concerned about me wearing my flip flops.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn0cg6m-o-Y

Thoughts from an emotional girl...

The past few years have been a great experience for me. I've finally gotten to know and understand myself in a way that I should have done years earlier. I've learned what makes me tick, my strengths and weaknesses, my love languages, and what tugs at my heart strings more than I've ever taken the time to understand before. It's made me more in tune with those around me and how things affect me. It's revealed some deep seeded truths to me. It's helped me express myself more honestly and without shame.

Most of all, it's shown me how I'm made just the way God knit me together and it's shown me how His character is built into me and how He can use that for His good.

I've always been an emotional person. For the majority of my life, I've tried to suppress that. Let's be honest - most of us usually view "emotional" as the equivelent of "weak". That's the way the world works  and if we want to be seen as strong people, we can't let our emotions get in the way. So since I wanted to be perceived as a strong, independent female, I tried to push my emotional side back down where no one could see how "weak" I truly was.

Now, I see that I was terribly misunderstanding emotions. I was letting the world define my emotional nature, and not the One who made me that way.

Thought you got rid of me didn't you??

Ok, so it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. My apologies. But little did you know that I secretly have about 10 posts waiting in the wings...but I'm blocked. Stuck. Mostly because I've been holding myself back on them. But as soon as I can muster up the courage to put on my big girl panties, you're all in for it...we're talking posts on emotions, beauty, transparency, surprising ministry opportunities, and birthmarks - yes, birthmarks! You've got lots of great things ahead of you because God's been doing a great work in me, so hold your horses!

But for now, you get a family update - can I get a hoorah!?!?!  Yay for a little peak back into daily life at the Schafers house. Never a dull moment here! So here's what we've been up to:

(Over)Committed

This week, I’ve had numerous people that I care deeply for and trust immensely tell me the same thing, and I don’t even think they scheduled a secret meeting and worked it out ahead of time….

They told me I’m too busy. They told me I need to cut back. They told me I need a break.

One warned me, “I know you want to make the most out of life, but you have to be alive to live it.” One person said “Sabbath is a distant memory for you”. One just told me I was crazy.

They’re all right. I’m overscheduling and stressing myself out. I’m wasting away and I’m not able to give my all to anyone because I’m trying to give something to everyone.

Run, Randy, Run!

I've shared bits and pieces over the last year of Randal's efforts to get into shape. Since starting this journey last February, he's lost about 75 pounds -wowza! He's trained hard and has competed in several duathlons and did really well in his first season.

The sweetest gift...

I love my mom.

There, I said it. Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my mom. I wrote this blog about my parents a couple of years ago, but honestly, I could do a whole series on just them. My mom has been my rock through so many rough times and has laughed and rejoiced with me in all of the good ones. She's been my confidante and my mentor and my friend. She was also my personal chef, chauffeur, and maid for 18 years of my life and still takes care of me now that I'm grown and gone. She knows me better than I know myself...the good, the bad, and the ugly (even my ugly cry)....and she loves me unconditionally anyway. She encourages me and pushes me to be a better woman every day. I am so very thankful that I was blessed with such a wonderful woman to nurture me and point me towards Christ while sharing life and having fun doing it.

Don't we look good with trophies??

Confessions from the worst mom...

I love my children with every fiber of my being. They are beautiful and miraculous and astound me every day. They make me laugh, they make me cry both happy and sad tears, and they teach me something new every day. They are the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and are living proof of the wonderful God that I serve and hope to lead them to.

But, I must admit publicly how often I question myself as a mother...and I THINK other moms do this too, though we're not great at admitting it out loud.I wish we had a better dialogue about this and about "mommy competition", but we don't so we're left to struggle with our own ideas and insecurities and, as you should know by now, I like to get those kinds of things out in the open. 

So here it is, folks....my confession that I am the worst mom. Doesn't that make you feel better about yourself? I've provided a few pieces of evidence…with much more to come as we enter new phases and ages I'm sure:

What I Love About Me

Like most females I know, I've struggled with self esteem issues my entire life. I quit dance when I was younger because I thought I was the fattest girl in the class. I refused to take voice lessons or try out for things because I didn't think my voice was good enough. I slouched and hid in different ways because I didn't think I was pretty enough. I kept my deepest thoughts to myself out of fear that they were stupid and people would laugh at me.

Even now, at the ripe old age of 28 (kidding), I'm super insecure about myself.  I find myself holding my hands over my stomach and still biting my tongue when I'm unsure of myself. I still hesitate to sing loudly. I still worry that I'm "that girl" all the time. I use my humor to deflect compliments because I believe them to be insincere.

It's something I've worked hard at, but it's definitely a slow process. I'm getting better, more sure of who I am and how I see myself...and caring less about what other people think.

Soccer!

Mason started soccer this week! He's been so excited to play this sport that his daddy loves so much and I was so pumped for him to finally get to play on a team! We had his first practice yesterday evening. Randal is out of town for the week, so it was just me tagging along. Mason did great and went straight out and joined his teammates and followed his coach's instructions. He was a little timid and wasn't running quite as hard as some of the other boys since he was still figuring things out, but he was getting in there and doing it!

Then came a water break...

How are you?

We all do it. Someone asks us "how are you?" as part of their greeting and we answer quickly "I'm good" or "I'm ok" or "Fine", etc. No matter what we're going through or what's weighing on us, we glaze over this question as simply a greeting.

I've ranted and raved about it before. I try to be very careful when asking the question myself to stop and listen to the answer, to invest in the person I'm greeting, to promise to pray for whatever is going on in their life, and to call them out on obviously false "I'm ok" answers.

But I am as guilty as throwing that answer out as anyone else. I'm constantly shoving "I'm good" at people when I'm not "good" at all.

And I have never felt as guilty about that as I did today...

No regrets...

This obituary (here) has been going viral this week. It's incredible.  And it rings in my head with what I've been pondering anyway.

Death has been surrounding me lately...with the passing of my grandpa and of several of my friends' close loved ones, it's hard not to think long and hard about it...and about how brief our time is here.

And I just keep thinking that I don't ever want to regret not saying something...that I don't want to have to wait to memorialize someone after they're gone...that an obit shouldn't say anything that you haven't already said to a person you love and care for.

I'm pretty good about this, and thankfully am peace with knowing that my grandpa knew how much I loved him, but I've recoiled in the recent past from this and I'm determined to regain my focus on speaking my heart.

I will not give myself the chance to regret missing an opportunity...to tell someone that I care about them, that I'm thankful for them, or that I just had a heck of a time doing something incredibly stupid with them :)

The Best Kindness...

When my grandpa was in the ICU and things weren’t looking very good for him, my grandma went down to the hospital cafeteria for lunch. She was by herself and I imagine she looked stressed and upset, as she had a lot weighing heavily on her. As she went to pay for her food, she was told by the cashier that she didn’t owe anything. When she asked why not, she was told that a young lady across from her had paid for her meal.

Grandma quickly realized that she recognized this person and that she was the nurse who had moved Grandpa from his regular room down to ICU when things got worse for him a few days before. The nurse said she remembered her and wanted to know how Grandpa was doing and that she was praying for them, so she and Grandma sat and had a chat.

When Grandma got on the phone to tell me about this later that afternoon, I could tell in her voice how big of an impact this act of kindness had on her. This sweet nurse who sees a ton of patients and happened to recognize the wife of a man that she had helped care for, made such a difference in her heart that day. When things were looking grim and hope was hard to find, this nurse chose to be the hands and feet of Christ and lift Grandma’s spirits just by showing that she cared enough to reach out and then commit to pray for her.

So next time you feel the nudge to reach out to someone, remember what a difference the little things can make and how quickly it can remind someone of God’s love and care for their life and for those around them. Don’t ignore that prompting…you never know what battle someone is fighting and how much they may need your example of love in that moment...

A temporary goodbye...

One of my favorites

Today, I drove down the road to my grandparents’ house and I couldn’t breathe. As we got closer, the reality sunk in that I would no longer be greeted by my grandpa’s smile and be able to wrap my arms around him in a bear hug upon arrival…and I lost it…

I said goodbye to him last week. Over the past couple of weeks, as the gravity of his situation settled, my mind hasn’t stopped flooding me with memories.  I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for having so many wonderful moments to remember.

My favorite memories, by far, are my early morning alone times with him. I have been an early riser for a long time and he was always waiting for me at the dining table.  He would be reading the paper and watching the news with his cup of coffee by his side. We would spend those moments chatting, eating, and just enjoying the quiet of the morning before the rest of the family started stirring.  In recent years, my kids joined us at the table and we got to share those sweet early moments as a group of 4. I will never forget his smiling face across from me at that table.

I loved getting to go down during the summers and spend time with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma and I would go to craft shows and to the mall and I would spend time out in the garage with Grandpa. I loved hearing their stories and seeing how much love there was between them.

I always loved seeing Grandpa work. Whether it was fixing some random broken thing around the house, setting up some sort of random contraption in the backyard, or helping cut potatoes in the kitchen, he was handy and helpful. He did what needed to be done when it needed to be done and he did it with a smile on his face.

Even when he was very sick, he kept things fun. He encouraged us in all that we did and showed us the way to go. He pointed us towards Heaven and proved time and time again what keeping a positive attitude can do.

I remember coming down in the mornings during our family’s vacations at the lake and seeing him and Grandma coming in from checking their lines. He loved the lake and he loved to fish. His fried fish at the end of our week long trips was hard to beat.

The holidays are my favorites. . .sitting around visiting with each other, watching sports together, playing games, and eating good food. I loved to see the joy on Grandpa’s face when his house was full – you could see that his heart was full too. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve watched him smile at his grandchildren playing on the floor or laughed at someone making a dumb move in a card game and have thought about how thankful I am that he raised a family that loved being together so much.

He leaves a legacy behind that it difficult to put into words. His faith, joy, strength, drive, and love are indescribable. He is one of the best men I’ve ever known. I'm glad that I always told him I loved him. I'm glad he was just as mushy as I was. I'm so thankful that I got to see him before he moved on...to be alone with him in the ICU room and sing to him and pray for him and tell him how much I would miss him but how excited I was for him not to be tired anymore. It was such a bittersweet goodbye.

I will miss him…I already do. I dread the first holidays without him. I dread the empty recliner and the vacant early morning breakfast table. I will cry many more tears for things we won’t get to share anymore.

I know I won’t miss him nearly as much as his wife of almost 60 years who was still his best friend and who he was still madly in love with…or as much as my dad who lost the man who raised him to be the wonderful father that he is.

We grieve because we’re left behind - because we’re stuck here without him. I have no doubt that my grandpa is with his Lord and Savior and is healthy and whole and happy. He is finally home, and it is only a temporary goodbye that I say to him now…until we meet again. One day…I will see that smile and hear that laugh and get another one of those bear hugs.

I heart February!

February has been busy and is just the start to several hectic months of scheduling!  Here's a very brief rundown of our month so far!

~We had a great time celebrating my birthday at the beginning of the month.  The kids were such a huge help and we got to share Love with so many people! Such a blessing to us and hopefully to them too!

~Randal's company did some "rearranging" and he got moved under a different Director and also got a promotion! So proud of him for working so hard at CCH!

~Mason is still loving school.  We had his first parent teacher conference and  had so much fun having him show us what he gets to do when he's the "leader".  Funny story from his teacher (who thankfully is also a friend!) a few days later though...

When asked what rhymes with "stuck", Mason thought through the alphabet for a good rhyme and threw out a word that starts with F.  Thankfully, there was no recognition on his, or any of the other kids' faces, and the teachers were able to just glaze over that one. Oh my! How embarrassing! So glad he didn't actually know what he was saying!

~Madison is continuing to make really great progress on her speech and is still loving her sessions. As she gets easier to understand, it becomes more apparent how sassy she has become!  The "3's" might be rough with this girl! 

~We survived Valentine's Day and the kids had a blast celebrating Heart Day!

~ We are in the middle of our first decent snow storm of the season and the kids are so excited! I'm pretty pumped too, but would be much happier if I had chosen a profession where I got snow days too! ha! The kiddos did help me shovel the driveway tonight when we got home and had a blast scooping and making snow angels while I shoveled around them.

~ We were able to get down to Edmond and see my family this past weekend and had a blast going to Eric's basketball game and to Holly's volleyball tournament! Eric plays at Oklahoma Christian and the school has been amazing in showing their support, with the team wearing lime green socks (lymphoma awareness color) and people wearing shirts printed with "No One Fights Alone" on the back to match the bracelets we are all wearing. The folks at OC have impressed me and will always be considered extended family. Bonus on the weekend was that Eric & Holly both won, which is always fun!

~We are gearing up for some busy weeks ahead including lots of church events and a KU game this coming weekend with my family! 

Happy February to everyone!!!

A Different Kind of Worship

I have been very guilty of not thinking of the word "worship" properly over the years. I think a lot of us tend to just strictly think of music when we hear it, and we do God a great injustice when we focus on that one avenue. We are able to worship Him in every aspect of our life, not just through song. That is really such a small piece of the worship puzzle after all.  That was something that was a hard lesson for Him to teach me - but is a lesson that I'm so very thankful to have learned.  Because of it, I've found freedom in worship and have experienced Him on an entirely different level.

Over the past few years, I've wrestled with Him more about worship, but in a different way. He's pressed me to think deeply and search for what worship looks like in the middle of trials, in the valleys, when worship, as I knew it, just didn't seem to feel right. 

My relationship with God has been stretched and strengthened in the recent past in amazing ways. He has walked me through the darkest of days, through emotional, mental, and physical pain, through stress and hardship, as well as mistakes made by me and by those closest to me. He's shown me who He is and who He's molding me to be.

And even though He's given me the strength to remain at peace with His promises, and my relationship with Him has remained strong, there have still been dark times. I've struggled to understand what it means to worship this God that I love when I'm still feeling tired, pressed, hurt, and stretched and learning how to lean on Him even more.

This is the only thing I fully understood:  When I'm in the worst of my days, I worship much differently than I do when I'm in my best days.

But what does that look like? How do I bring glory to Him and lift Him high in worship when I'm still in these valleys? In the midst of suffering? When my imperfect heart wants to be so much better than it is?

I still don't know the answer, really. Honestly, I don't even really know why I'm writing this blog! Maybe I think that if I've wrestled so much with these questions, someone else must have them too. Maybe someone much wiser than me can give me the right answers after I share this...

I've listened to sermons, I've read devotionals, I've prayed until exhaustion, I've read Job about 3000 times...and for now, this is what God's revealed to me.

*I worship Him in acknowledging and trusting who He is. He shows His faithfulness again and again and continues to amaze me with who He truly is.

*I worship Him in trusting His plan. He is the master painter and He writes the best stories. I know He has a plan for my pain...and He wants me to realize that even though I don't understand it, I must submit to it, and that His plans for me and my life will exceed any of my own expectations.

*I worship Him in rejoicing in what's He's doing in me. Even if my circumstances aren't changing and they might not ever be what I want them to be, I know He's completing a work in me, and that is worth celebrating.

*I worship Him in expressing my pain. When I'm honest with Him, when I hold Him as a close enough friend to vocalize my innermost emotions, He is glorified.

*I worship Him by serving others. In showing His love, even in the midst of hard days, we point people to Him. He has given me opportunities to reach out to other people fighting fights that I can relate to. He has presented those chances as a way to be His hands and feet and serve others with the goal of revealing more of Him in the process.

*I worship Him by carrying on. I will make mistakes. Others will too. Both instances will cause pain and heartache because we are imperfect people who can accomplish little more than utter destruction when left to our own devices. It would be easy to give up. But in dusting ourselves off and carrying on with the tasks at hand, He is seen. In drawing on His strength and His peace, the mundane things that can seem overwhelming and exhausting can become expressions of praise.

*I worship Him in song. This is definitely specific to me, and why I put so much emphasis on music for so long. God made me connected to music in a beautiful way and it is how I express myself to Him in ways I can't do otherwise.  When I cannot seem to collect my thoughts or express myself, I am able to lift Him up in song and show my heart.

*I worship Him in wanting to get to know Him better.  Even in the midst of the struggles, diving into His Word and talking to Him and getting to know Him better helps cement who He is and how faithful He has been. He is glorified when we seek to know Him more.

Worshipping in these ways feels different in the valleys than it does on the peaks. It's hard to put into words...and basically, I've just been rambling here because of that...

The valley is a pain filled place to worship, one that I wish was easier some days...one that I wish didn't have to be thought through so much...one that I wish would mean that everything was fine and dandy once you figured it out.

It is pain filled, yes.  But I have found that these moments of worship in the valleys are sweeter than others in so many ways.  They are filled with genuinely deep passion and emotion...with so much resting in those moments...so many nudgings and reminders of the One who deserves all of our worship, no matter what that looks like to each of His creations...

28 Intentional Acts of Kindness

It's not technically my birthday until Tuesday, but we got started celebrating early! I started working on my "Acts of Kindness" on Friday and continued the fun today.

All in all, it has been a great birthday so far.  I can't explain how fun it is to dedicate an entire day...or weekend...to doing random things for random people.  Some of this stuff I would do throughout the year, but some of it took more planning than I usually care to commit to. Most of my normal "acts of kindness" are accidental and having to be diligent and intentional like this makes you think about and realize how much need for kindness there is in your everyday life.  The reactions from others always shocks me and shows me how much people need love and care, even from complete strangers...

For those of you that are curious, here's what the birthday activities consisted of:

1. I bought a Mama Kit from Mercy for Mamas in my mommy's name. I figured I'm celebrating my birthday and she did all the hard work, so we'd start there!

2. The kids and I dropped off some coloring books & crayons at a family doctor's office for kids waiting for their appointments.

This was Mason's view of his little sister while we drove around making our deliveries :)

3. We took a small care package (lotion, chapstick, & jolly ranchers) to an oncology office where patients recieve their treatments. I asked the receptionist to give the package to a patient that seemed like they could use a pick-me-up. I think this was one of the most special ones for me and the receptionist seemed genuinely shocked to get something so random, which made it even better.

4.  We dropped off some books to add to the library at the Lady Bugg House, a local organization that I just love.

5. We ate lunch at Chick-fil-A and we left some "boogie wipes" (moms should know and love those things!) in the bathroom.

I made these little notes to tie onto as many things as possible so that I could easily explain (or could explain in my absence) what was happening.

6. We took some shampoo by the Wichita Children's Home.

7. I prepaid for some gas on a pump at Dillons.  Gas had gone up 10 cents that day, so hopefully the person who pulled up next felt a little less pain at the pump!

8. We dropped off some cookies at the Mulvane fire department and thanked the fire fighters for keeping us all safe. The guy on duty was awesome and let the kids come back and see the trucks and even let them climb around for a while.  This was obviously the kids' favorite stop!

9. We left a few $1 bills in the toy section at Dollar Tree so some lucky kids could pick out some fun stuff.  The kids had fun hiding the bills, but I think Randal had more fun trying to hide his the best.

10. I taped some quarters to some gumball machines in front of the store.

11. I taped a small Dillons gift card to a cart for the next shopper. It wasn't much, but hopefully it helped a little bit!

12. I paid for the person's coffee behind me.

13. I gave up a killer parking spot and walked from the other side of the parking lot hoping that someone else would really enjoy that "I got the best parking spot" feeling!

14.  This one, admittedly, was not much of a sacrifice. I allowed myself some extra alone time to wander around the antique mall with the goal of finding a great gift for a sweet lady, which I did.

15. I gave directions to a couple that I overheard talking at the antique mall trying to find another store. I went ahead and butted myself into their converstaion and hopefully gave good instructions!

16. I pulled over and handed a water bottle to a runner who looked pretty tired.

17. I taped a coupon for a free appetizer to the door of a restaurant for the next customer to find.

18. I dropped off a free movie ticket at the Warren. My original intention was to hand it to a person waiting in line, but there wasn't anyone waiting to buy a ticket when I went in, so I had to just leave it at the window for the next person. The girl looked at me like I was completely crazy ;)

19. I picked up some trash in the parking lot at Century 2 on my way into the craft show this afternoon.

20. I made and delivered a meal for a family from our church.

21.  I made some people puppy chow that Madison helped me deliver to the neighbors in our cul-de-sac.

22. I left a little thank you gift for our server at my birthday dinner with my family this evening.

23.  I wrote a letter to a person who had a profound impact on my life, but probaby never knew it...this one was emotional...

24.  I sent a "hug" to someone in the mail (thanks Pinterest!)

25. I wrote a card to a missionary overseas.

26. I made a thank you note with a little gift for our mail carrier.

27. I gathered up some canned goods to donate to our church's food pantry.

28.  I got a LOT of help from my friends and family in collecting acessories for a girl who is raising money for an orphanage in Uganda. I will mail it all off to her this week and am so excited to continue to follow her progress this year! A huge thank you to all of the girls that donated items!


We ended Saturday by enjoying a meal at Red Lobster with my family, which is always lots of fun!  Thanks to everyone who helped make my birthday so great!

Mason's view of mommy while we waited for a table

Marc showing Kathy how to eat crab

My big helpers enjoying some good food

Yearning for more birthdays...

Next week is my birthday. A year ago, I was asking my friends and family to donate money to the American Cancer Society.  You all helped me raise almost $5000 to help create more birthdays for others...which was the best gift I could have asked for!

I know you've heard it before, but I'll say it again and again until I run out of breath - Cancer Sucks.

I've never had to fight that fight myself. I know that I don't come even close to fully understanding the toll that it takes on your body, mind, and spirit. I know that I don't understand what it means to be the caregiver of someone battling this disease.

But I know it sucks to be watching...hoping...praying...trying to grasp what is happening to the people that you love while they literally fight for their life before your eyes.

To see them lose their hair, live in a whirlwind of emotions, fight nausea and fatigue, and just struggle with keeping the right spirit and making the right decisions - it's a hard thing to watch and not feel like you want to do something - ANYTHING  - to help take away a little of their burden.

My family has a history of cancer on all sides. If I'm being honest, I know that a lot of my family will fight this fight in the future, and that my chances of fighting it are incredibly high. This is the reality that I don't like to think about.

But it forces me into a corner. And I have to make some decisions.

How do I respond when someone I love so much is diagnosed with something like this? How do I react in my heart? How do I react outwardly? How do I support them? Encourage them? How will I help them?

After dealing with these kinds of situations over and over again over the past decade or so, I've started to answer some of those questions. I have come to rely on my God and Father as all-knowing and powerful and trust Him with things in my life that don't make sense because I've seen my loved ones do the same when they've been faced with this horrid disease. I've allowed myself to get angry and honest with God when things don't make sense. I've learned to trust Him with every beat of my heart, knowing full well that nothing is promised and everything is fragile.

Most of all, I've answered God's prompting that I can't do much in the way of support, encouragement, or help without Him. I've come to know that He is glorified when I can acknowledge that and let my own desire to "fix" everything fall away. I can't fix cancer. I can't make it make sense...but I know my God as Jehovah Rapha - the God who heals. I've had Him heal my wounds, physically, mentally, and emotionally...and if I can be a tool for Him to show Himself to others, then that's a beautiful thing.

I'll say it again - cancer sucks. I pray that one day it's not something we have to worry about and, instead, we just get to celebrate more birthdays with the ones we love.

Pieces of me = Prayer for them

I hope and pray that someday my kids think the same about me when they hear my voice coming out of their mouths...but we'll see ;)

It's amazed me over the past few months how much I've seen of myself in my kids. Little things that are starting to make themselves more obvious in their every day behavior that freak me out a bit when I notice them:

Mason's apparently inherited my more sensitive side. He is such a sweetheart and is concerned for everyone around him and is thoughtful of his friends and his family and worries about them. He wears his heart on his sleeve constantly in the sweetest ways. This makes me so proud and terrifies me all at once.

I am happy to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  It is what makes me who I am. It is what drives me to say how I feel and make sure that the people around me know how much I love them by acting out that love. It is also what gets me hurt the most....which leads me to pray this prayer for Mason every day:

"Lord, please, please protect his little heart and guard this quality in him. Help him to know how to deal with the pain that will come with it and not lose this compassionate soul that You've gifted him with. Help those around him to appreciate how honest and caring he will grow to be and not take that for granted."

Madison, on the other hand, while still being quite the love bug herself, has mostly seemed to inherit my not so endearing (at least not on the surface) qualities.  That girl can roll her eyes like nobody's business. She's sassy to the Nth degree. And my favorite of all...she sings and talks to herself constantly...

I love that my girl sticks up for herself. I hope she keeps that and has a backbone as she gets older, but that she learns discretion in that (which took me a long time to learn). I love that she has a great sense of humor already and knows how to play a room - she's got good social skills because of it. And I LOVE that she loves music and loves to sing whether anyone is listening or not...but this admittedly can complicate things throughout adulthood, which leads me to pray this prayer for her:

"Lord, please help her learn when sass isn't ok and learn to hide the eye rolling. Help her to continue to love to sing throughout the day, but help her learn to keep the volume down so she doesn't annoy others.  Help her to learn timely sarcasm and delivery in her blossoming sense of humor and to do so nicely. Help her to keep her backbone and confidence long enough to say no to stupid boys and save us all some heartache.  Keep her happy being herself and teach her to enjoy all the fun that comes along with that."

They might not end up liking being like their mommy...but I love seeing little pieces of me in these beautiful babies and thank God for the opportunity to see them use these things better than I have!

School Time

Mason's REALLY enjoying his first couple of weeks in public school!  He loves his teacher Mrs. Kincaid, who is a fabulous friend of ours from church and is soaking in making new friends, etc. Here are a few gems from his first couple of weeks of school to show you how cute my kid is and how much of a newbie we are to this school business!

*The first Friday of school, I picked the kids up and as soon as we headed home in the car, Mason sheepishly said from the back seat "Mom, there's a book in my backpack and I don't know if I was supposed to bring it home." 

Imagine the terror of that moment...mortified that my kid stole a book from school on his 1st week, but proud of him for telling me when he felt guilty.

I asked if his teacher put the book there. No. Did the teacher tell him to put it there? No. Did he put it there? No.  How did it get there? I don't know...

We obviously weren't gettting any concrete answers, so I switched gears.  We talked about how you should always ask questions when you're not sure if something is right or wrong, how you should always ask permission before putting something in your backpack, etc.  We covered all the bases and I assured him that we would return the book when he went back to school on Monday and that he could apologize to his teacher then if he wasn't supposed to bring it home.

We got home and I immediately opened his bag to assess the situation.  Sure enough, just like Mason said, there it was - Clifford's Book of Manners from the school library.  I opened his folder to sign off on his day and found a note from his teacher that every Friday was Library Day and that the kids would be checking out books to take home for the week.  I quickly told Mason he was off the hook but that he should still ask questions when he's unsure of something, but was SO relieved that we hadn't stolen that book!

*Mason is SO excited to get to ride the bus every day.  He rides from his school over to the grade school, which is where our daycare provider picks up all of the kids in the afternoon.  He is such a big, responsible kid and loves getting ride with the big kids!

*The kids are supposed to wear their school shirts every Monday.  Mason's been in school 2 Mondays and I have yet to remember to put him in that shirt.  Don't worry - I set a reminder on my phone to recur every Monday from now on...here's hoping technology works more efficiently than my brain.

*I've been asking Mason about his new friends at school.  He can't tell me a lot, but I've got a few names and one real story.  One day at recess, his friend "B" got sand in his eye. It hurt and the teacher had to wash out "B"s eye to get the sand out. Mason seemed concerned, so I assured him that "B" would be fine and these things just happen sometimes. 

Now, every day when I ask him how school was, he leads with, "B didn't get sand his eye today mom" and then proceeds to tell me about the rest of the day.  Such a good little friend ;)

Scraps...

God's honest truth: I started this blog because I can't scrapbook.

I've always loved putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, that's for certain. It seems like it comes out better when I write it instead of speaking it, as I tend to get pretty tongue tied. For as long as I can remember, I filled journal after journal with my ponderings and frustrations and excitements. So when I thought about putting together cute books of stories about my kids and their childhood and capturing the precious, the not so precious, and utterly hilarious moments of our every day life, I had one main thought: "I wish I could do that." I tried - and quickly failed - and threw those scrapbooks away. I firmly admitted to myself that I wasn't one of those crafty moms, and started writing instead. I am not a writer, nor am I a blogger...but I needed somewhere to document our family and our crazy life, so this is where I ended up.

It has been touch and go. Sometimes I forget, or just get too busy. But when I do make the time, I feel better. Knowing that I've put some of the funnies and some of the hard moments our family experiences out in the universe and will be able to show them to my kids someday is amazing.

Then I started throwing in some other posts...using the "family" blog for my own thoughts and ramblings. I realized I was "scrapbooking" a bit of myself along with the kids.  It's been incredibly therapeutic and helpful in making myself be honest about where I'm at and how I feel and what I'm struggling with.

But it's scary putting it out in bloggy world, that's for sure. You never know what someone reading your thoughts might think about you or how you might be judged. You never know who you might irritate or bore.

And at this point, it seems to have morphed into something that I didn't ever plan or expect.  I thought the only people that really read my posts were my mom and mother-in-law and my sister.  I only have a few people officially "following" the blog, even as I write this. But I have had an insane amount of traffic in the recent past and I can't even count how many emails, comments, and messages I've received from people that I don't know or that I barely know who are reading these posts and connecting with something.

It's really weird.

It's weird because I think, way too often, that I'm alone...that I'm the only one that feels a certain way...that, honestly, I'm a bit crazy.

Yet I get emails and messages from people saying that I hit home with them about something that I was feeling...that I was honest about something they had been wrestling with...that I made THEM realize that they aren't alone in what they're experiencing. I have people linking to my blog from their website because they think something I wrote from the bottom of my heart resonates with them.

Seriously...REALLY weird.

Understand me here - I'm not saying that this little family blog has become some sort of next best thing, b/c it's not, and I don't write this as a "look at what I did" thing (as stated above - I just think it's weird).

But, sticking with our "lessons learned" theme...it definitely has made me open my heart to a few things:

1) I am not alone. 

No matter how alone I've felt in my feelings and thoughts over the past few years, I realize, only now, that there are other women that are struggling with the same things as me. I never knew I had so many sisters who fought to put these feelings into words and were fighting the same fights as I was. 

Thank you to all of you who have shared with me your own experiences in response to mine...without your messages, hugs, and encouragement, I might still feel very alone.  Because you were brave, I know I've got people fighting right along with me.

2) God will use my experiences to reach people in ways that I wouldn't ever pick and He'll do it behind my back ;)

My prayer as I continue to grasp how He wants to use me, is that I won't doubt the pull that I feel to say things, to share my heart, to take action...that I won't question how people will react or how I might be looked down on, but that I will focus on how He might use it without my understanding.

3) People are too quiet about their own journeys and the wisdom that they've gained from them, and it's hindering our growth and causing us to miss important conversations, opportunities, and relationships.

If we don't allow ourselves to be open and honest, we might be holding someone else back from healing and growing...we might be robbing ourselves of great friendships...we might be stealing huge ministry opportunities from our churches, and most importantly, we might be holding ourselves back from submitting fully to the incredible story that God has written for us.

Bottom line is this...I'm definitely not a writer or a blogger...but I will continue to document my family and my own heart here.  If He chooses to continue to use that as an avenue to reach others, that's incredible. If not, we've got our family "scrapbook" and my kids will know their mom's heart through and through, and that's incredible too...

Disappointments, Compromises, & Lessons Learned in 2012 - part 1

I learned more about myself in 2012 than I think I have during any other of my almost 28 years (and maybe all of them combined). I learned my strengths and weaknesses much better than I ever have before. I got to know myself in a way that I never have.  And to understand who I am and how God made me to function in this world a little better is a terribly hard, but incredibly beautiful lesson.

I know some of the lessons that I learned are probably obvious to some and seem ridiculous.  But I'm praying that, in sharing what I've learned, I might be able to help someone who is in the midst of figuring these things out too. I am confident that I'm not alone in this search and feel a deep need to be open and honest about my own journey...so this is the first in what will probably be a few posts on what I learned in 2012.

Part (or most) of what I learned was based on my reactions to my surroundings, through current events or things from the past that were still affecting me.  I had to figure out how I would react when my circumstances weren't what I wanted them to be or didn't live up to my dreams.  How would I react when a dear family member is horribly sick? When daily things in marriage and motherhood are really hard? When people I love and care for don't seem to care for me enough in return? When I can't figure out what is physically wrong with me? When I fail God and myself and others again and again?

A lot of my learning came in the midst of disappointments - in myself and in others.  After hearing, time and time again from various people whom I love and respect, to lower my expectations in order to avoid what I considered to be disappointing moments, I started to question myself. Was I crazy for feeling the way that I did?  Was I being too pushy or expecting too much of myself, my family, friends, etc? How was it that I was constantly disappointed or let down? Should I really lower my expections? What was I hoping that would accomplish?

I spent most of 2012 wrestling with those questions - trying to find a delicate balance between what I was told to expect and what I really expected in my heart...trying to deal with the hurts that came from being disappointed and from trying to pull back from others in order to avoid more pain.

I tried all kinds of things. I pulled back completely from certain relationships. I just pulled back a little from others. I tried to expect less; to make exceptions for personality differences and scheduling conflicts and priority shifts and past experiences. I tried...I really did.  But I became even more of a mess and could tell that I was making things worse. But why? I couldn't figure out how it was making it so much worse...

But I see it now - that I compromised who I am and my own emotions in order to try and save myself and others. I am an emotional person (more on lessons learned there in another post). I always have been. But I've always thought that was a bad thing...a weakness.

In 2012, I finally let God show me that He made me that way...that He created that in me and wants to see me use it for His good, not to torture myself.

Yes, I will continue to be disappointed in people around me, just like people will continue to be disappointed in me. We are all big lumps of disappointment after all...that's why we have such a deep need for our Savior.

But lowering my expectations won't accomplish anything in making me or anyone around me bring glory to our Father. I will be hurt and unfulfilled if I continue to lower my expectations and ignore how God made me to feel and act. Those around me that leave me feeling disappointed will continue to skate by, giving less than what I know they are made to give and will never reach their full potential if no one is pushing them to grow and stretch themselves.

Our relationships will never be fruitful if we are unable to admit when we are hurt or express what our needs really are.

We all feel differently, we are all made in different ways. I know that full well. And I know, because of that, we'll never be on the same page and this will result in heartbreak, frustration, and plenty of tears. But I also know that's where grace shows up...where God can use our differences, mend those broken hearts, and show His hand in who we are...

Because the biggest lesson I learned is that it's not about going through life adjusting expectations so that you're not disappointed; it's about how you deal with the disappointments when they happen, which we all know they inevitably will. You can choose to retreat, to get angry, to reciprocate, etc. Or you can live by grace, and ask God to guide you through those minefields to the other side and to use your own experiences and hurts for His good.

My prayer for this year is that I will learn how to better love those around me. That I will embrace how I feel and learn how to graciously express that. That I would not "control" my emotions, but that I will own them and embrace how they fit into the woman that God made me to be for His name.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

~Ps 23:3

Madison's 3rd Birthday!

Madison turned 3 last month and I am still trying to figure out how that already happened! Check out my sweet sassy girl in her new "princess tutu" and sassy boots!

Can you believe that this lady joined our world 3 years ago?  I can't...

 The week before her birthday, I found her "reading" this book in bed. My initial shout to Randal was "we have a usurper!" Ha!

Little girl has developed quite a liking for all things princess themed, so for her party, the theme was given!  We had princess crowns for everyone to decorate, along with coloring pages and other fun stuff for everyone to play with!  m had a ball and, of course, loved all of the attention!

For Madison's Acts of Kindness for her birthday, I had all kinds of plans...then I was a horrible human being who let herself get overwhelmed by life and then get sick, so some of those plans got thrown out of the window! One thing that I did manage to plan was for Madison to ring the Salvation Army bell with my big brother, Marc.

They were so cute!  Madison made me hold her most of the time, but did venture out on her own for a little while.  She loved handing out the candy canes that Marc brought for the kids and and we even sang "Jingle Bells" for people for a little while to make Madison feel more at home...she'll do anything while we're singing!

 

I was proud of Madison for actually ringing the bell on her own for a bit and being a trooper even when you could tell she was a little out of her comfort zone.  And I can't even really begin to say how wonderful it was to see Marc in action as a bell-ringer.  He's done this for a couple of years and it was fun to see him do it in person.  The way the people of El Dorado responded to him and chatted with him, it was easy to see that he's loved there - made his little sister awfully proud!

For Madison's other 2 acts, that's where mommy's illness & ill-preparedness comes into play :) We took Madison out on the evening of her birthday to complete these other two tasks and did things that were quick so that we could keep her attention and really help her understand what was happening.  Mason was with us, so he even got to participate. 

He helped sister pick out a couple of toys and we donated them to Toys for Tots.

After we picked out toys at the store, we went and bought some hot chocolate and took it to a bell ringer since it was pretty chilly outside!  She was actually pretty into this and even showed off how well she had learned to ring the bell with Uncle Marc!

I'm so proud of my baby girl and how instinctly caring she is.  She is sassy through and through, but she is one of the most loving people I've ever known and I'm so very proud to be her mommy! 

Happy Birthday Madison Leigh! Love you baby girl!