I've been wrestling with a lot of intense emotions lately. I've been struggling to identify who I really am in this big world. Who God intends me to be in His big plan. So much has changed in our lives over the last few years that it's hard to keep up. I've grown...my life and my roles have changed dramatically. It is a confusing season to be in the midst of. So I'm putting it out here in bloggy land...
I used to be the smart one. I've always thought of myself as pretty smart. Now I have "mommy brain" and I forget the dumbest things from one minute to the next. I'm not working on climbing the ladder in a career anymore. I'm not in school, learning new things anymore. I feel like an idiot a lot.
I used to be the organized one. Now, I'm juggling a million different balls and it's hard to keep up, much less stay organized. This used to take very little effort, now it's a designated task.
I used to be the center of my universe. Now, I'm a wife and a mother. My life revolves around the 3 people I care about most on this planet and I have to carve out "me time" and often wait until it's absolutely needed.
I used to be the good friend. I organized the get-togethers. I loved to play hostess. Now, the week slips by without me sending the text or calling to see how my friends are doing. Now, I fail to schedule the dinner dates and struggle to make plans for "extra" stuff.
I used to be the over achiever. I don't know what my mom was feeding me in high school, but for the life of me I can't figure out how I did all that I did. Just thinking about all the sports, classes, church, and extra-curriculur activities makes me exhausted.
I used to be the pillar. I only cried at night, at home, alone, or with my mom. Crying was for girly girls and I didn't want to be perceived that way. Now, I cry ALL THE TIME. I feel crazy and a tad bit hormonal a lot of the time. Seriously...commericials, sweet old couples at the store. Everything spawns a whole thought process in my head and the waterworks start. It's embarrasing.
Here's who I've known myself as: Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, confidant, disciple, worker, learner, teacher, singer, helper, cook, baker, business woman, volunteer, prayer partner, and passionate woman...
So who am I now? How do you process the fact that so many things in your life change in such a short amount of time? How do you identify the woman that God wants you to be in all of your new roles? And how do re-gain confidence in who you are in this new place you've found yourself?
I am a Christ Follower who is still learning not to define myself with any of the above titles. I've done it for too long. But what God is teaching me now, is that none of those make me who I really am. I am His. And He knows the plans He has for me. I don't have be the smart one, or the good one, or the over achiever. It's ok that I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm changing...in the best way. I see myself becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be. And I hope that I continue to struggle with this identity crisis. I want Him to continue to mold me to be more like Him.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. -2 Corinthians 5:17
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