Uganda Post 10 - What God had to say to me.

Now for the really serious post...

What did I learn from God in all of this?

I prayed every day while planning things for this trip that God would use me to reach others and would use my experiences to speak to me. I knew that He would, but tried not to expect too much. I told myself it would be ok if there weren't any earth shattering moments or revelations; that there would still be purpose in what I did there and that He could still speak to me in small whispers even if I did want the big, loud screams to my heart.

And there wasn't a lot of yelling...not a lot of ground breaking…not a lot of surprise. Instead, there was constant pushing & prodding; constant reminders; constant remolding of my self and who I am known as. He renewed the callings on my life and restored my hope in letting Him have His way with them.

I made God a promise a few years ago. 
When I was at the end of my rope, in circumstances that no one wishes for, in a place where I was fully clinging to the only One I had left…

I promised that I saw it for His good and that I would use it for that. 

I promised that I would use my experiences to help other women who might feel like I did – lonely, frustrated, shattered, and without the ability to easily dream of wonderful days ahead like everyone wants to. 

I promised Him I would take what I learned and use it to build other women up, to restore their hearts in His trust and hope.

I promised that I would be different than the world.  That I would shine His light through my obedience to these other promises.

Then life happened.
I did what I could, which was the minimum.  I didn’t ask Him to open doors, I looked for the doors myself…and when I found them all closed, I threw up my hands and patted myself on the back for trying.

I let the still, small voice fade.  I told myself that it just wasn’t the time for Him to use my lessons. I told myself that my life was still a mess and that I wasn’t really in a position to help anyone else now anyway. I told myself that, eventually, the right situation would arise and I would be ready to jump in and get down to business when it was the right time.

I acted like the people I saw around me.  I was bitter and hopeless and said things I shouldn't.  I ignored the proddings on my heart that I was meant to do something different...something much, much bigger.

Then Africa happened.
There, He used my stilled mind to remind me of my promises, and more importantly, of His. He told me I didn’t have to have my problems fixed to be useful; that I’m much more useful to Him when I realize that I don’t have it all together.

He reminded me of how much I longed to know that another woman understood my thoughts, fears, and feelings and could provide hope to me in the darkest moments.

He reminded me how much we women need each other.

He reminded me that I do have beautiful days ahead, here and after my earthly days. And that, even if it doesn't mean that things get better and life is all gumdrops and rainbows, it is worth it to follow Him until the end.

He gave me new friends…who, for the first time in a VERY long time, made me feel understood and not alone in where I am. I will forever be grateful for those whispers into my heart and how much they set me free from my fears and turmoil.

He showed me that I came up with my own plans, and that those needed to be ignored.  He showed me that He can use my experiences in much bigger ways than what I ever had in my head.

He renewed my heart for other women…of all backgrounds, life stages, situations, and locations.  He reminded me of how much I love connecting with other ladies and how much I love to share with them and break down barriers around their hearts. 

He showed me how much it pleased Him and how much good it could do for Him for me to just encourage someone in a brief moment.

It was only a week and a half.  We've been back for a month now and He continues to remind me of these things every day.  It's a slow burning that continues to build.  He continues to show me the path He wants me to follow.  He gives me the freedom to close the doors that I've foolishly forced open in my own efforts and guides me to the doors He's opening instead.