I know some of the lessons that I learned are probably obvious to some and seem ridiculous. But I'm praying that, in sharing what I've learned, I might be able to help someone who is in the midst of figuring these things out too. I am confident that I'm not alone in this search and feel a deep need to be open and honest about my own journey...so this is the first in what will probably be a few posts on what I learned in 2012.
Part (or most) of what I learned was based on my reactions to my surroundings, through current events or things from the past that were still affecting me. I had to figure out how I would react when my circumstances weren't what I wanted them to be or didn't live up to my dreams. How would I react when a dear family member is horribly sick? When daily things in marriage and motherhood are really hard? When people I love and care for don't seem to care for me enough in return? When I can't figure out what is physically wrong with me? When I fail God and myself and others again and again?
A lot of my learning came in the midst of disappointments - in myself and in others. After hearing, time and time again from various people whom I love and respect, to lower my expectations in order to avoid what I considered to be disappointing moments, I started to question myself. Was I crazy for feeling the way that I did? Was I being too pushy or expecting too much of myself, my family, friends, etc? How was it that I was constantly disappointed or let down? Should I really lower my expections? What was I hoping that would accomplish?
I spent most of 2012 wrestling with those questions - trying to find a delicate balance between what I was told to expect and what I really expected in my heart...trying to deal with the hurts that came from being disappointed and from trying to pull back from others in order to avoid more pain.
I tried all kinds of things. I pulled back completely from certain relationships. I just pulled back a little from others. I tried to expect less; to make exceptions for personality differences and scheduling conflicts and priority shifts and past experiences. I tried...I really did. But I became even more of a mess and could tell that I was making things worse. But why? I couldn't figure out how it was making it so much worse...
But I see it now - that I compromised who I am and my own emotions in order to try and save myself and others. I am an emotional person (more on lessons learned there in another post). I always have been. But I've always thought that was a bad thing...a weakness.
In 2012, I finally let God show me that He made me that way...that He created that in me and wants to see me use it for His good, not to torture myself.
Yes, I will continue to be disappointed in people around me, just like people will continue to be disappointed in me. We are all big lumps of disappointment after all...that's why we have such a deep need for our Savior.
But lowering my expectations won't accomplish anything in making me or anyone around me bring glory to our Father. I will be hurt and unfulfilled if I continue to lower my expectations and ignore how God made me to feel and act. Those around me that leave me feeling disappointed will continue to skate by, giving less than what I know they are made to give and will never reach their full potential if no one is pushing them to grow and stretch themselves.
Our relationships will never be fruitful if we are unable to admit when we are hurt or express what our needs really are.
We all feel differently, we are all made in different ways. I know that full well. And I know, because of that, we'll never be on the same page and this will result in heartbreak, frustration, and plenty of tears. But I also know that's where grace shows up...where God can use our differences, mend those broken hearts, and show His hand in who we are...
Because the biggest lesson I learned is that it's not about going through life adjusting expectations so that you're not disappointed; it's about how you deal with the disappointments when they happen, which we all know they inevitably will. You can choose to retreat, to get angry, to reciprocate, etc. Or you can live by grace, and ask God to guide you through those minefields to the other side and to use your own experiences and hurts for His good.
My prayer for this year is that I will learn how to better love those around me. That I will embrace how I feel and learn how to graciously express that. That I would not "control" my emotions, but that I will own them and embrace how they fit into the woman that God made me to be for His name.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
~Ps 23:3
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