What I Love About Me

Like most females I know, I've struggled with self esteem issues my entire life. I quit dance when I was younger because I thought I was the fattest girl in the class. I refused to take voice lessons or try out for things because I didn't think my voice was good enough. I slouched and hid in different ways because I didn't think I was pretty enough. I kept my deepest thoughts to myself out of fear that they were stupid and people would laugh at me.

Even now, at the ripe old age of 28 (kidding), I'm super insecure about myself.  I find myself holding my hands over my stomach and still biting my tongue when I'm unsure of myself. I still hesitate to sing loudly. I still worry that I'm "that girl" all the time. I use my humor to deflect compliments because I believe them to be insincere.

It's something I've worked hard at, but it's definitely a slow process. I'm getting better, more sure of who I am and how I see myself...and caring less about what other people think.

Soccer!

Mason started soccer this week! He's been so excited to play this sport that his daddy loves so much and I was so pumped for him to finally get to play on a team! We had his first practice yesterday evening. Randal is out of town for the week, so it was just me tagging along. Mason did great and went straight out and joined his teammates and followed his coach's instructions. He was a little timid and wasn't running quite as hard as some of the other boys since he was still figuring things out, but he was getting in there and doing it!

Then came a water break...

How are you?

We all do it. Someone asks us "how are you?" as part of their greeting and we answer quickly "I'm good" or "I'm ok" or "Fine", etc. No matter what we're going through or what's weighing on us, we glaze over this question as simply a greeting.

I've ranted and raved about it before. I try to be very careful when asking the question myself to stop and listen to the answer, to invest in the person I'm greeting, to promise to pray for whatever is going on in their life, and to call them out on obviously false "I'm ok" answers.

But I am as guilty as throwing that answer out as anyone else. I'm constantly shoving "I'm good" at people when I'm not "good" at all.

And I have never felt as guilty about that as I did today...

No regrets...

This obituary (here) has been going viral this week. It's incredible.  And it rings in my head with what I've been pondering anyway.

Death has been surrounding me lately...with the passing of my grandpa and of several of my friends' close loved ones, it's hard not to think long and hard about it...and about how brief our time is here.

And I just keep thinking that I don't ever want to regret not saying something...that I don't want to have to wait to memorialize someone after they're gone...that an obit shouldn't say anything that you haven't already said to a person you love and care for.

I'm pretty good about this, and thankfully am peace with knowing that my grandpa knew how much I loved him, but I've recoiled in the recent past from this and I'm determined to regain my focus on speaking my heart.

I will not give myself the chance to regret missing an opportunity...to tell someone that I care about them, that I'm thankful for them, or that I just had a heck of a time doing something incredibly stupid with them :)

The Best Kindness...

When my grandpa was in the ICU and things weren’t looking very good for him, my grandma went down to the hospital cafeteria for lunch. She was by herself and I imagine she looked stressed and upset, as she had a lot weighing heavily on her. As she went to pay for her food, she was told by the cashier that she didn’t owe anything. When she asked why not, she was told that a young lady across from her had paid for her meal.

Grandma quickly realized that she recognized this person and that she was the nurse who had moved Grandpa from his regular room down to ICU when things got worse for him a few days before. The nurse said she remembered her and wanted to know how Grandpa was doing and that she was praying for them, so she and Grandma sat and had a chat.

When Grandma got on the phone to tell me about this later that afternoon, I could tell in her voice how big of an impact this act of kindness had on her. This sweet nurse who sees a ton of patients and happened to recognize the wife of a man that she had helped care for, made such a difference in her heart that day. When things were looking grim and hope was hard to find, this nurse chose to be the hands and feet of Christ and lift Grandma’s spirits just by showing that she cared enough to reach out and then commit to pray for her.

So next time you feel the nudge to reach out to someone, remember what a difference the little things can make and how quickly it can remind someone of God’s love and care for their life and for those around them. Don’t ignore that prompting…you never know what battle someone is fighting and how much they may need your example of love in that moment...

A temporary goodbye...

One of my favorites

Today, I drove down the road to my grandparents’ house and I couldn’t breathe. As we got closer, the reality sunk in that I would no longer be greeted by my grandpa’s smile and be able to wrap my arms around him in a bear hug upon arrival…and I lost it…

I said goodbye to him last week. Over the past couple of weeks, as the gravity of his situation settled, my mind hasn’t stopped flooding me with memories.  I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for having so many wonderful moments to remember.

My favorite memories, by far, are my early morning alone times with him. I have been an early riser for a long time and he was always waiting for me at the dining table.  He would be reading the paper and watching the news with his cup of coffee by his side. We would spend those moments chatting, eating, and just enjoying the quiet of the morning before the rest of the family started stirring.  In recent years, my kids joined us at the table and we got to share those sweet early moments as a group of 4. I will never forget his smiling face across from me at that table.

I loved getting to go down during the summers and spend time with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma and I would go to craft shows and to the mall and I would spend time out in the garage with Grandpa. I loved hearing their stories and seeing how much love there was between them.

I always loved seeing Grandpa work. Whether it was fixing some random broken thing around the house, setting up some sort of random contraption in the backyard, or helping cut potatoes in the kitchen, he was handy and helpful. He did what needed to be done when it needed to be done and he did it with a smile on his face.

Even when he was very sick, he kept things fun. He encouraged us in all that we did and showed us the way to go. He pointed us towards Heaven and proved time and time again what keeping a positive attitude can do.

I remember coming down in the mornings during our family’s vacations at the lake and seeing him and Grandma coming in from checking their lines. He loved the lake and he loved to fish. His fried fish at the end of our week long trips was hard to beat.

The holidays are my favorites. . .sitting around visiting with each other, watching sports together, playing games, and eating good food. I loved to see the joy on Grandpa’s face when his house was full – you could see that his heart was full too. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve watched him smile at his grandchildren playing on the floor or laughed at someone making a dumb move in a card game and have thought about how thankful I am that he raised a family that loved being together so much.

He leaves a legacy behind that it difficult to put into words. His faith, joy, strength, drive, and love are indescribable. He is one of the best men I’ve ever known. I'm glad that I always told him I loved him. I'm glad he was just as mushy as I was. I'm so thankful that I got to see him before he moved on...to be alone with him in the ICU room and sing to him and pray for him and tell him how much I would miss him but how excited I was for him not to be tired anymore. It was such a bittersweet goodbye.

I will miss him…I already do. I dread the first holidays without him. I dread the empty recliner and the vacant early morning breakfast table. I will cry many more tears for things we won’t get to share anymore.

I know I won’t miss him nearly as much as his wife of almost 60 years who was still his best friend and who he was still madly in love with…or as much as my dad who lost the man who raised him to be the wonderful father that he is.

We grieve because we’re left behind - because we’re stuck here without him. I have no doubt that my grandpa is with his Lord and Savior and is healthy and whole and happy. He is finally home, and it is only a temporary goodbye that I say to him now…until we meet again. One day…I will see that smile and hear that laugh and get another one of those bear hugs.