What I Love About Me

Like most females I know, I've struggled with self esteem issues my entire life. I quit dance when I was younger because I thought I was the fattest girl in the class. I refused to take voice lessons or try out for things because I didn't think my voice was good enough. I slouched and hid in different ways because I didn't think I was pretty enough. I kept my deepest thoughts to myself out of fear that they were stupid and people would laugh at me.

Even now, at the ripe old age of 28 (kidding), I'm super insecure about myself.  I find myself holding my hands over my stomach and still biting my tongue when I'm unsure of myself. I still hesitate to sing loudly. I still worry that I'm "that girl" all the time. I use my humor to deflect compliments because I believe them to be insincere.

It's something I've worked hard at, but it's definitely a slow process. I'm getting better, more sure of who I am and how I see myself...and caring less about what other people think.

I recently asked the girls in our youth group to list their 5 favorite things about themselves. My intent was to get them started on this journey early...to start thinking of themselves in positive terms instead of focusing on the negatives and to hopefully save them some struggle and heartache along the way.  Some of them listed them off right away. Some of them struggled to get 5 on the page. Since I don't ask the girls to think through anything that I haven't already considered, I'd been wondering what 5 things I would write down about myself...

What do I like about me?  And can I get past worrying that people will think ill of me for being confident in those things and go ahead put them out in the universe?  I believe firmly that it is good for us to acknowledge the good things about ourselves and that we are made in the image of Christ, so yes, I can get past the worry...and here they are...

1) My sense of humor:

I love laughing and making others laugh. I love making silly observations to break up the mundane moments in life. I love that, on the darkest of days, I can find something funny in my world. I love that I learned from my family early on that you can belly laugh through the holidays and the hospital stays - that humor is special and good. I used to be worried that other people wouldn't "get" my humor...but now I know my humor is unique and if they don't get it, that their life is just more boring than mine ;)

2) My love for music:

I love music - period. I listen to a wide range of genres and artists. I love finding new music that speaks to me. I love how I can express myself through music in ways that I can't normally do. I used to like to listen to what my friends and certain males were listening to in order to fit in or impress. Now, I listen to what moves me and I get hooked on whatever suits me (which happens to usually be bluegrass or folk).

I always have a song in my head. That used to distract or annoy me. I used to be worried that someone would catch me humming or singing and think I was weird. Now I go with it - knowing that music is how I've been able to process moments & express myself, I know that this constant music in my head is a wonderful gift to embrace.

I love to sing. It is my favorite way to express myself and get some stress relief. I enjoy entertaining fellow rush hour drivers with my renditions of a wide variety of musical numbers, complete with shoulder dance moves and lots of head bobbing.

I was always scared to sing in front of other people before...and still kind of am. But God's opened my heart to leading worship in ways I've never had the confidence to do before. He's given me confidence in the voice that He's gifted me with and is showing me how to use it for His good.

3) My love for sports

I love playing sports and I love watching sports. I love that I got to teach Randal about football and he got to teach me about futbol when we were dating. I love that, when I go out of town with some friends during the Big 12 tournament, they try and get us to a restaurant with TVs without me even asking because they love me that much!  I love the memories that I have of playing sports with my friends and the memories that I have of hanging out with my dad and watching football on Sunday afternoons.  I am so thankful that my parents both love sports and passed that down to me. Bonus, it gives me a good place to funnel my competitve energy, which is a blessing to everyone, trust me!

4) My independence

I am proud of the fact that I know how to change a tire. That's come in handy lots of times, including in the snow in my apartment parking lot and on a dirt road in the middle of the night. I'm glad that my dad taught me how to change the oil in a car, even though I haven't done it in a long time. I'm thankful that I know how to jump a car, which actually came in handy this morning when I realized I had drained the battery in my car and was running late for work!

I am glad that I feel confident in taking care of myself, because I am better equiped to take care of others because of that. Sure, there are lots of things that I like to let others, namely Randal, do for me (read: kill spiders). But knowing that if no one else is around, I can do these things, makes a girl feel pretty good and strong.

5) My body:

This is a big one for me. I have focused on the negatives here for far too long. I've had to look past the pounds that could be lost and the shape that is different from the "ideal" and find the things that I'm so blessed with.

I've come to be proud of the shape that I was born with. It might not be the smallest frame, it might not be one that's easy to fit clothes on, but it's curvy and wonderful and I'm mad it took me this long to figure that out. Even when I was a size 6 and in the best shape of my life, I thought I was fat because I had curves and a different build than my "skinny friends". I wish I would have realized back then that those curves that I thought were ugly are really beautiful and sexy.

I love my smile. I'm so very thankful that my parents got me braces so that I'd have such a great grin! I love my hair. It's shiny and natural and soft and it smells good. I love my feet - I know that's super weird, but I have cute feet and I like showing them off adorable sandals :)

I love my stretch marks. This might be one you didn't expect to hear. It's easy to be paranoid about those things. But I'm so proud of them. They remind me of all the precious work that God put into making my kids and in making me. They remind me how amazing my body is that it could carry 2 human beings until they were ready to join us in the world. They remind me of every kick, hiccup, and somersault M&m did in there.

They remind me too, of how painful it all was, but how my body knew how to deal and then how to recover and heal. What an awesome reminder of how God prepares us for the times of stretching and growth in our lives. I think of the marks on my body as a visual of the marks made on my heart over the years and it makes me glad.

**********************************************************************************

So there you have it.  What I love about me. I know I will continue to struggle, to waiver in remembering the good on those days that I step on the scale and the number's too high, or my pants don't fit quite right, or when my eyes don't look as bright from lack of sleep. I know I will have to continue to fight to accept compliments instead of shrugging them off.

But I also know that I want my daughter to be confident in who she is. I know that I want her to understand that she was knit together in just the right way and that God knows every hair on her head. I want her to rest easy in that and find the confidence to be the woman that He's made her to be and to know that she can build others up to be the same kind of women.

And I intend to be a good example of that.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. ~Psalm 139: 13-14

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
~Ephesians 4:29